I was asked to read three beautiful poems about gratitude during the Wednesday night service at the Center for Spiritual Living here in Seattle.
It was the first time I have been asked to do anything in front of the congregation, and the person who asked me, Rev. Michael Ingersol, was so excited by the idea that I was confident I would do well.
Unlike most of the world, I have no fear of public speaking. The scripts were lovely, I had my own podium off to the side of the main stage, the sound system was flawless, and everything was in its' place.
Things went very, very well. Nearly 500 people attended the service, and many people were moved. I saw tears, there were standing ovations for several of the singers, and there were many hugs afterwards.
I hope I have another opportunity to connect there with a reading or something along those lines.
But, I included singing in the title of this blog for a reason. I'm trying to figure out why I can speak in front of tens of thousands of people (as when I have filled in as PA announcer for the Seattle Mariners), but have had such a challenging time singing in front of even just a few people.
I joined my church choir earlier this year, and with a group, all is well. I sing, smile, move effortlessly, and follow the direction of the choir director with ease.
But, on a whim, I decided to audition with our new choir director, Eddie Watkins Jr. for a solo opportunity. It was all I could do to stay on key. He even lowered the key a few times, and was very encouraging. But I felt awkward, nervous, and very uncomfortable.
I have been told in the past that I have a nice singing voice. I sang with the KING-TV band, "Bars and Tone" for several years, even taking the lead on "Somebody To Love". Thought I was over the singing jitters then. But they're back!
Maybe it's because I need to be completely connected with my heart and soul to sing well, and I have trained myself to speak in such a way where I can be connected, or slightly disconnected to my core, and continue to perform.
Or, maybe it's because I keep hearing the voice of my mother and sisters all those years ago, when we sang as a trio, being told I was off-key, or "too breathy". Maybe if I can get those voices out of my head, I can really do this.
I don't need any kind of glory or accolades from an audience for my singing, and yet I feel strongly about wanting to try this. That's the part I can't figure out.
I'm not sure if I will ever be selected to sing lead with the choir. Maybe I'm not good enough. There are some pretty incredible voices in the Choir of Light.
I guess I'm just still trying to find my own voice, in some strange way.
